Stuart Macfarlane

I have been writing since 1998 and have had some 28 books published during this time.

In my spare time I 'enjoy' running (completed 14 marathons plus a few ultra marathon - raising money for Hope for Children). I also like photography, oil painting and going to the theatre.

In 2010 I hove completed the Paris and Edinburgh Marathons and will do the Loch Ness Marathons in October. I also did the 40 mile Clyde Stride Ultra Marathon in July and will be doing the 41 mile River Ayr Ultra Marathon in September.

I live in Bearsden, which lies roughly half way between the City of Glasgow and Loch Lomond.

NEWS : Some of my books are now available in eBook format through Amazon Worldwide - published by Tattie Bogle Publishing - Scotland

Medusa Island - Fantasy Fiction Novel for Children

USA = $0.99 UK = £0.70
Download: Amazon USA Amazon UK

THE SECRET DIARY OF ADRIAN CAT
An adventure story for all cat lovers.

USA =  $0.99 UK = £0.80 

Download: Amazon USA  Amazon UK

If you are able to help Hope for Children by donating a few £/$/Euro please click on the link below:

£2.50 feeds a child for a week
£10 feeds a child for a month
£20 provides a play kit for a Children's Centre
£30 provides school books and clothes

Please also visit my websites: SCOTTISH and GLASWEGIAN

Website: MedusaIsland.com

Website: TheSecretDiaryOfAdrianCat.com

Available in over twentylanguages.

Available in numerous languages.

Available in numerous languages.

Available in numerous languages.

Available in numerous languages.

Available in numerous languages.

There are 800,000,042 fathers in the world. Some are naturally amazing - they can procreate at will, spawning dozens of healthy, joyful children. They devote all their time and love to their offspring, giving them security, wisdom, wealth and happiness. Other fathers, sadly, are despicably bad, giving their children nothing but a legacy of pain and sorrow. However, the vast majority of fathers are irrefutably average. In fact, applying Gaussian distribution principles of mathematical parenting, 793,856,001 fathers are shown to be in this category. This book is a celebration of the average dad, dedicated to all those amazing, stupendous, incredible, funny, fantastic, electrifying, awesome, intelligent, magnificent, fascinating, courageous, outstanding and astonishing but otherwise pretty damn average fathers in the world. The average dad may not always know the best thing to do. He may not always know the right thing to say. And he may even, occasionally, prefer to watch football than to push a pram around the park. But he is special - in his very own average sort of way.

Website: averagefathers.com

Scotland is an amazing, unique country with so much to celebrate: spectacular islands, mountains, glens and lochs; a wonderful culture of music, poetry and dance; a proud, though sometimes tragic history; a national football squad that can hold its own against some of the best Girl Guide teams in the world...Then there's haggis, the Loch Ness Monster, the kilt, whisky, Irn-Bru, heather, thistles, bagpipes and so on...But there's one thing the Scots as a nation do particularly well: they take the piss out of all of this! Yes - when the Scots tell a joke it's usually at their own expense. So this collection of gems pokes fun at just about everyone and everything from kilts and haggis through footie and thriftiness to Sassenachs, Teeries, and Glaswegians. Some of the jokes are old favourites retold, some are brand new, and some are a few specimens found on that internet thingy which have been massaged to make them almost funny.

Website: why-did-the-haggis-cross-the-road.com

Rabbie Burns is indisputably (well I’m certainly not disputing it) Scotland’s favourite poet. Indeed he’s ranked amongst the world’s greatest poets of all time. Born in Alloway on the 25th of January 1759 to poor farming parents he wrote prolifically from the age of 15 until he died aged just 37. In his short life he produced many works of pure genius; “Auld Lang Syne”, “Tam O' Shanter” and “A Red, Red Rose” to name but a few.
However, none of the poems in this book are great works of literature. None of them will be read in 250 years time – in fact all of them will have slipped into obscurity in 250 days. For these poems were not written by Rabbie Burns. These are the poems that he might have written if he was alive today and had become completely crap at writing.
Unlike Rabbie’s masterpieces, these poems were not written over a 22 year period –actually they were all scribbled in just 22 days. Admittedly, they do have a couple of things in common with Rabbie’s poems – they contain words and they are printed on paper. Sadly, all similarities end there.
“Why should I buy this book?” I hear you say. Well, when read to a group of inmates at Barlinnie Prison by way of a punishment; 68% thought them ‘hilarious’, 27% though them, ‘very funny’, 4% thought them ‘better than tapioca’ and 1% died. With a testimonial like that how could you possibly resist?
If you decide to part with your hard earned cash and buy this book or manage to steal a copy, I do hope that you find the poems amusing. If you think them ‘disgustingly worse than tapioca’ – well at least the book is the perfect size for propping up that old wobbly table in your kitchen.
Website: no-rabbie-burns.com

The Scottish language is rich in proverbs, sayings, maxims and wise aphorisms. Sadly, in the transition from the abacus to the computer most of these have become outdated. This hilarious, little book thrusts these expressions into the twenty-first century providing millennia of wisdom in a usable modern format. It covers everything from bagpipes to whisky with a few mentions of our dear neighbours, the Sassenachs thrown in.
So whether you are Scottish, a tourist visiting Scotland, an illegal immigrant gutting fish on Shetland or find this book abandoned on a Trans-Siberian train you are sure to be inspired and amused by our wit and wisdom.
The section on chat-up lines and insults will certainly help you should you venture into a Scottish pub or nightclub and could make the difference between getting a French kiss or a Glasgow kiss.

Website: a-midge-in-your-hand-is-worth-two-up-your-kilt.com

From flea to whale there’s one common driving force – the craving for sex. Indeed hamsters are so randy they often have sex seventy-five times a day. We may criticise pigs for their poor hygiene but when it comes to fucking they sure take home the bacon – having orgasms that last a cock-boggling thirty minutes! Even lowly banana slugs have shagging sessions lasting thirty hours – mind you instead of having a post coitus cigarette they chew off their mate’s sex organs!
However for most men the urge to find a mate and have sex is delicately counterbalanced by the overwhelming desire to sit on the couch watching telly while eating burgers and downing copious amounts of lager. So, if this describes you, this book is the perfect read. It will tell you everything you need to know about sex from ‘easy ways to meet chicks’ to ‘how to have unforgettable sex with sheep’ – and will show you how to do it all with the very minimum of effort. So, crack open another six pack, lie back comfortably and be prepared to be sexucated.

Website: the-lazy-sods-guide-to-sex.com

The world has known some incredible lovers: Casanova, Romeo, the Marquis De Sade and Joe Meekly of 22 Waverley Pace, Crompton. These great heroes of the mattress have several things in common; they are wild romantics prepared to overcome any obstacle in pursuit of love and willing to fight and die in love's dark shadow. But most men don't want the inconvenience of love and romance and they certainly don't want to let it get in the way of pulling a chick.What Mr Lazy Sod wants is a sure-fire chat-up line that will get him some shag-muffin for a few months' amusement; no romance, no commitment, no effort! Here, to the rescue, is "Lazy Sod's Guide To Pulling" which will teach you what to say and what not to say, what to do and what not to do to ensure that you pull with the minimum effort possible. Love: An emotional state invented by women to ensnare men into a long term commitment. Men often mistake this state for lust. Lust: A physical state created by man that often leads him into a relationship lasting more than one night. Women often mistake this state for love.

There are 162,042,117,562 websites on the internet. Of these 161,983,424,031 can certainly be considered strange. But there are far fewer that are truly weird and even fewer that are what-on-earth-is-that-all-about-weird. This book brings together the weirdest of these weird sites for your amusement. When visiting the sites you will meet some rich, ugly people who desperately want to marry you, you will have the opportunity to join 'The Interplanetary Society for the Hard of Thinking' and you will be shown how to send a plague of wasps to 'destroy' those websites that you hate. So, power up that old cathode-ray tube and get surfing! This book features the following information given for each entry: site name, category, weirdness factor (ranging from one to five gremlins depending on the extent of the site's weirdness), website address, and comment.

At any point in time there are six million people watching football, eight million having sex, 87 million watching TV and a staggering 112 million talking via online chat rooms. And what are all these people chatting about? Mainly football, TV and sex. In chat rooms you will find a wonderful mix of people from around the world - some are disgustingly rich whilst others are unimaginably poor, some can be irritatingly intelligent but most are so intellectually challenged that they dribble over their keyboards. This creates a fantastic arena for some amusing wind-ups - simply enter a chat room, make a few ridiculous comments and see who takes the bait. This hilarious book is the result of hours upon hours spent in chat rooms taking the mick out of the more gullible chatties (people who frequent chat rooms and other interactive sites) - those who believe everything they come across on the internet, no matter how bizarre. "Chatroom Wind-Ups" is split into two parts. The first deals with chat rooms whilst the second deals with that other internet phenomenon - sites where you can pose a question and anyone who wants to can submit an answer. Another great opportunity for some fun!
After reading this book you may even be tempted to try a few wind-ups of your own. If so, visit our website and let us know about your funniest wind-ups. We will publish the best on the site.
 

Not quite got the hang of deciphering them either?
Did that simple ‘LuvU’ mean, ‘You are my life, my world, my everything’? Or did it mean, ‘I slept with your best friend last night and now I’m feeling guilty’?
If you’re suffering from texting paranoia and find yourself pondering over the potential hidden meaning of each message then this is the book for you. Never have so few letters said so much.

Poems for Children  

Witty Quotes 

Tattie Bogle Publishing 

Success Quotes and Poems

Inspirational Quotes and Poems

Biblical Quotes and Poems

Happiness Quotes and Poems

Short Quotes and Poems

Women Quotes and Poems

Philosophical Quotes and Poems

Love Quotes and Poems

Birthday Quotes and Poems

Life Quotes and Poems

Funny Quotes and Poems

Marriage Quotes and Poems

Romantic Quotes and Poems

Motivational Quotes and Poems

Best Quotes and Poems