stuart macfarlane


Stuart Macfarlane


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I have been writing since 1998 and have had some 28 books published (see below for details).


In my spare time I 'enjoy' running (I've completed 15 marathons and 6 ultra marathon - raising money for Hope for Children). I also like photography, oil painting and going to the theatre.


During 2011 I completed the Loch Ness Marathon, the Luton Marathon and the Edinburgh Marathon. I also did the D33, River Ayr and Glen Ogle Ultra Marathons. For 2012 I have entered the Highland Fling Ultra which covers the first 53 miles of the West Highland Way plus a number of other marathons and ultra marathons. I have also set myself the challenge of running every day for a whole year - at present I have completed 220 days - averaging about 9 miles per day.


I live in Bearsden, which lies roughly half way between the City of Glasgow and Loch Lomond.

NEWS : Some of my books are now available in eBook format through Amazon Worldwide - published by Tattie Bogle Publishing - Scotland


Medusa Island - Fantasy Fiction Novel for Children

books for children
USA = $0.99 UK = £0.70
Download: Amazon USA Amazon UK


An adventure story for all cat lovers.

cat books

USA =  $0.99 UK = £0.80 

Download: Amazon USA  Amazon UK


If you are able to help Hope for Children by donating a few £/$/Euro please click on the link below:


£2.50 feeds a child for a week
£10 feeds a child for a month
£20 provides a play kit for a Children's Centre
£30 provides school books and clothes


Please also visit my websites: SCOTTISH and GLASWEGIAN

  Books by Stuart and Linda Macfarlane include the following:

Medusa Island - a fabulously funny fantasy fiction novel for children.




The Secret Diary of Adrian Cat is a hilarious account of one-year in the life of Adrian Cat - perfect for teenagers and adults. It contains some very rib snapping sophisticated humour.


Utterly Adorable Cats - a complete philosophy as related by our feline friends. 

Available in over twentylanguages.

The Little Book of the Internet - a complete idiots guide to the Web.

Available in numerous languages.

Old Wrecks' Jokes - making wrinkles all over the planet laugh.

Available in numerous languages.

Sorry - the perfect book to give after you've messed up!

Available in numerous languages.

Are you being driven mad by all this New Age calm and serenity? Well,
The Little Book of Stress is the perfect antidote. It is packed with simple, practical suggestions that will raise your blood pressure, stoke up that tension and drive you totally crazy!

Available in numerous languages.

Life is changing rapidly with each new day more chaotic than the last. These changes have been particularly horrific for cats for while a mere four thousand years ago they were revered as gods, now they must co-exist on almost equal terms with humans. This terrible comedown in status has severely shaken their self-esteem. A modern cat has so many pressures placed on it, so many commitments. There are mice to chase, curtains to scratch, humans to train .... and a vast amount of sleeping and grooming to fit in. It's not surprising that so many suffer from stress and experience burnout even before they reach their fourth life. The Little Book of Calm for Cats aims to remedy this problem by helping them find moments of calm in their frenzied existence. By following the book's advice serenity and tranquillity will once again permeate each of their nine lives.

An original collection of jokes, quips and wicked observations on life after thirty. Over 30s’ Jokes is the perfect antidote for those thirty-something blues.

Available in numerous languages.

Birthday Boy - wonderful humour for the young at heart.
Birthday Girl - that's never another year gone past!!

Utterly Adorable Cats Calendar (2009) - full of kitty humour.

Get that Stresses out feeling all year round!

My Friend - More details soon.

My Lovable Lady

My Lovable Lady - You love her rotten - this giggly book says so. Never mind her tiny imperfections - cold feet in bed, those bad hair days, reading maps upside down. you adore her for being exactly who she is. Show her - with this gorgeous little gift.

my guy books for men from women

My Gorgeous Guy - He's your man, you adore him. He also loses his keys, the remote, snores.... But' whatever he does, you love him to bits. This daft little book will tell him just how much.
  Books written under the name Stuart McLean include the following:

To a Pretty Average Father

There are 800,000,042 fathers in the world. Some are naturally amazing - they can procreate at will, spawning dozens of healthy, joyful children. They devote all their time and love to their offspring, giving them security, wisdom, wealth and happiness. Other fathers, sadly, are despicably bad, giving their children nothing but a legacy of pain and sorrow. However, the vast majority of fathers are irrefutably average. In fact, applying Gaussian distribution principles of mathematical parenting, 793,856,001 fathers are shown to be in this category. This book is a celebration of the average dad, dedicated to all those amazing, stupendous, incredible, funny, fantastic, electrifying, awesome, intelligent, magnificent, fascinating, courageous, outstanding and astonishing but otherwise pretty damn average fathers in the world. The average dad may not always know the best thing to do. He may not always know the right thing to say. And he may even, occasionally, prefer to watch football than to push a pram around the park. But he is special - in his very own average sort of way.


Why Did the Haggis Cross the Road?

Scotland is an amazing, unique country with so much to celebrate: spectacular islands, mountains, glens and lochs; a wonderful culture of music, poetry and dance; a proud, though sometimes tragic history; a national football squad that can hold its own against some of the best Girl Guide teams in the world...Then there's haggis, the Loch Ness Monster, the kilt, whisky, Irn-Bru, heather, thistles, bagpipes and so on...But there's one thing the Scots as a nation do particularly well: they take the piss out of all of this! Yes - when the Scots tell a joke it's usually at their own expense. So this collection of gems pokes fun at just about everyone and everything from kilts and haggis through footie and thriftiness to Sassenachs, Teeries, and Glaswegians. Some of the jokes are old favourites retold, some are brand new, and some are a few specimens found on that internet thingy which have been massaged to make them almost funny.


No' Rabbie Burns

Rabbie Burns is indisputably (well I’m certainly not disputing it) Scotland’s favourite poet. Indeed he’s ranked amongst the world’s greatest poets of all time. Born in Alloway on the 25th of January 1759 to poor farming parents he wrote prolifically from the age of 15 until he died aged just 37. In his short life he produced many works of pure genius; “Auld Lang Syne”, “Tam O' Shanter” and “A Red, Red Rose” to name but a few.
However, none of the poems in this book are great works of literature. None of them will be read in 250 years time – in fact all of them will have slipped into obscurity in 250 days. For these poems were not written by Rabbie Burns. These are the poems that he might have written if he was alive today and had become completely crap at writing.
Unlike Rabbie’s masterpieces, these poems were not written over a 22 year period –actually they were all scribbled in just 22 days. Admittedly, they do have a couple of things in common with Rabbie’s poems – they contain words and they are printed on paper. Sadly, all similarities end there.
“Why should I buy this book?” I hear you say. Well, when read to a group of inmates at Barlinnie Prison by way of a punishment; 68% thought them ‘hilarious’, 27% though them, ‘very funny’, 4% thought them ‘better than tapioca’ and 1% died. With a testimonial like that how could you possibly resist?
If you decide to part with your hard earned cash and buy this book or manage to steal a copy, I do hope that you find the poems amusing. If you think them ‘disgustingly worse than tapioca’ – well at least the book is the perfect size for propping up that old wobbly table in your kitchen.

 A Midge in Your Hand Is Worth Two Up Your Kilt: Modern Scottish Proverbs

The Scottish language is rich in proverbs, sayings, maxims and wise aphorisms. Sadly, in the transition from the abacus to the computer most of these have become outdated. This hilarious, little book thrusts these expressions into the twenty-first century providing millennia of wisdom in a usable modern format. It covers everything from bagpipes to whisky with a few mentions of our dear neighbours, the Sassenachs thrown in.
So whether you are Scottish, a tourist visiting Scotland, an illegal immigrant gutting fish on Shetland or find this book abandoned on a Trans-Siberian train you are sure to be inspired and amused by our wit and wisdom.
The section on chat-up lines and insults will certainly help you should you venture into a Scottish pub or nightclub and could make the difference between getting a French kiss or a Glasgow kiss.


Lazy Sod's Guide to Sex

From flea to whale there’s one common driving force – the craving for sex. Indeed hamsters are so randy they often have sex seventy-five times a day. We may criticise pigs for their poor hygiene but when it comes to fucking they sure take home the bacon – having orgasms that last a cock-boggling thirty minutes! Even lowly banana slugs have shagging sessions lasting thirty hours – mind you instead of having a post coitus cigarette they chew off their mate’s sex organs!
However for most men the urge to find a mate and have sex is delicately counterbalanced by the overwhelming desire to sit on the couch watching telly while eating burgers and downing copious amounts of lager. So, if this describes you, this book is the perfect read. It will tell you everything you need to know about sex from ‘easy ways to meet chicks’ to ‘how to have unforgettable sex with sheep’ – and will show you how to do it all with the very minimum of effort. So, crack open another six pack, lie back comfortably and be prepared to be sexucated.


Lazy Sod's Guide to Pulling

The world has known some incredible lovers: Casanova, Romeo, the Marquis De Sade and Joe Meekly of 22 Waverley Pace, Crompton. These great heroes of the mattress have several things in common; they are wild romantics prepared to overcome any obstacle in pursuit of love and willing to fight and die in love's dark shadow. But most men don't want the inconvenience of love and romance and they certainly don't want to let it get in the way of pulling a chick.What Mr Lazy Sod wants is a sure-fire chat-up line that will get him some shag-muffin for a few months' amusement; no romance, no commitment, no effort! Here, to the rescue, is "Lazy Sod's Guide To Pulling" which will teach you what to say and what not to say, what to do and what not to do to ensure that you pull with the minimum effort possible. Love: An emotional state invented by women to ensnare men into a long term commitment. Men often mistake this state for lust. Lust: A physical state created by man that often leads him into a relationship lasting more than one night. Women often mistake this state for love.

Weird Websites

There are 162,042,117,562 websites on the internet. Of these 161,983,424,031 can certainly be considered strange. But there are far fewer that are truly weird and even fewer that are what-on-earth-is-that-all-about-weird. This book brings together the weirdest of these weird sites for your amusement. When visiting the sites you will meet some rich, ugly people who desperately want to marry you, you will have the opportunity to join 'The Interplanetary Society for the Hard of Thinking' and you will be shown how to send a plague of wasps to 'destroy' those websites that you hate. So, power up that old cathode-ray tube and get surfing! This book features the following information given for each entry: site name, category, weirdness factor (ranging from one to five gremlins depending on the extent of the site's weirdness), website address, and comment.

Chat Room Wind-Ups 

At any point in time there are six million people watching football, eight million having sex, 87 million watching TV and a staggering 112 million talking via online chat rooms. And what are all these people chatting about? Mainly football, TV and sex. In chat rooms you will find a wonderful mix of people from around the world - some are disgustingly rich whilst others are unimaginably poor, some can be irritatingly intelligent but most are so intellectually challenged that they dribble over their keyboards. This creates a fantastic arena for some amusing wind-ups - simply enter a chat room, make a few ridiculous comments and see who takes the bait. This hilarious book is the result of hours upon hours spent in chat rooms taking the mick out of the more gullible chatties (people who frequent chat rooms and other interactive sites) - those who believe everything they come across on the internet, no matter how bizarre. "Chatroom Wind-Ups" is split into two parts. The first deals with chat rooms whilst the second deals with that other internet phenomenon - sites where you can pose a question and anyone who wants to can submit an answer. Another great opportunity for some fun!
After reading this book you may even be tempted to try a few wind-ups of your own. If so, visit our website and let us know about your funniest wind-ups. We will publish the best on the site.

Uwot?! - nos qwite goot thf hang oof tending sext massages yet?

Not quite got the hang of deciphering them either?
Did that simple ‘LuvU’ mean, ‘You are my life, my world, my everything’? Or did it mean, ‘I slept with your best friend last night and now I’m feeling guilty’?
If you’re suffering from texting paranoia and find yourself pondering over the potential hidden meaning of each message then this is the book for you. Never have so few letters said so much.

  Book written under the name Lee Bok :

Ned Speak - When a Ned steals your mobile this is the type of message he’s likely to send:

Message: thw knm yee kxee init
Meaning: Christ, this glue’s so bloody strong I can hardly see the phone buttons.

Message: Gorra job as an accountant
Meaning: April fool ya stupid bloody bampot.

Message: Ahm oan ma way hame
Meaning: Have just hotwired a BMW Z4 convertible - see you after I’ve crashed and torched it.

Message: Ahm at ra chemist
Meaning: I’m taking my daily dose of methadone.

Take a look at:
Poems for Children  
Witty Quotes 
Tattie Bogle Publishing 
Success Quotes and Poems
Inspirational Quotes and Poems
Biblical Quotes and Poems
Happiness Quotes and Poems
Short Quotes and Poems
Women Quotes and Poems
Philosophical Quotes and Poems
Love Quotes and Poems
Birthday Quotes and Poems
Life Quotes and Poems
Funny Quotes and Poems
Marriage Quotes and Poems
Romantic Quotes and Poems
Motivational Quotes and Poems
Best Quotes and Poems
Best Websites